I like me.

>> Thursday, January 5, 2012

I was overcome with emotion the other night. Sometimes it paralizes me. Fleeting thoughts of not being good enough. Overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. One person could say something and I take it another way looking through my glasses of insecurity. I have been seeking the Lord and asking Him to help me see myself differently. I'm tired of being offended because I choose to let others opinions of me be more important than His or even my own. So as I laid in bed with my husbands arms wrapped around me, I had little comfort as my hands tingled and my chest felt heavy with hopelessness, tears in a steady stream down both cheeks... I went to the Lord with my heart and He asked me "Do you like you?" After I got everyone else's voices out of my head, I smiled and responded "Yes. I think I'm amazing. I like me. I'd love me, I'd seek out a friendship with me, I'd consider myself blessed to be married to me." All of a sudden it was as if I was free. I felt light and somehow, content with who I am. I like me. Its so simple, but took me so long to realize.

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Wasted Time

>> Monday, January 2, 2012

Pastor Todd pointed something out that I hadn't recognized before. The story of the Prodigal Son. We often define him simply as wayward. But the truth is that the definition of prodical is wasteful, lavish, Ouch. I quickly examined my year. I was often stuck at home due to the lack of ability to handle two children under the age of two in public. So, what did I do with my time at home? Did I pray enough, play enough... read enough? If I put a value on the time I had been given, how much had I squandered, given to useless things? I may have found myself on the couch too much, crying instead of praying, complaining instead of praising.

If you want something done. give it to someone who is busy. - Isn't that the truth!

I'm seeking motivation, determiniation and a zest to accomplish more this year.

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Jacson, Jacbear, Doot Doot, Apple Jacs, Jac Jac

>> Thursday, December 1, 2011

I love to look back on my blog even though I don't write often. It's still wonderful to read the glimpses of my life since I got pregnant with Levi.

Shortly after Levi was born, I found out I was pregnant again. Life has kind of been a little (cough) busy since then. I went through a deep depression, and I'm probably lucky to not have written too much about that time because I was not my self. Post-partum (PPD) took its toll when I realized that my time with Levi was getting interupted by another baby. I was hardly ready for another considering mother hood was already taking every bit of my energy. How could I possibly give any more of myself? How do women have more than one, much less only 1 year apart? Somehow I managed to muster the strength and find joy in the new baby taking over my body while I watched my first one grow too fast. (It's unfathomable how quickly it goes.)

Exactly 1 year 2 hours and 59 minutes after Levi William was born, Jacson Ray came. January 28th 2011. I didn't think my heart could love as much as it did when I met my husband, then I was blown away when Levi came and the love was just as strong but a little different, and then - drum roll please - came the my most precious double blessing ever - JACbear =].

Mommy didn't think she was ready to open her heart again, but how could I resist that smile? I finally had my blue-eyed blond haired boy I had drempt about. I remember dreaming often about a blonde baby with blue eyes while I was pregnant with Levi. When he came out with dark hair and dark eyes, I could care less, and forgot about that precious baby in my dreams. Well... that baby came. He was part of the package. I almost feel like he looks at me sometimes saying 'wasn't I worth the trouble?' To which I cannot deny that he is most definitely the most huggable, loveable baby I have ever met... and HE'S ALL MINE! He is quite the opposite of his big brother and quickly growing, only 1 pound behind Levi now. He's a chunky, happy-go lucky little fella! I was in awe of Levi but often thought, hmmm, he has his fathers disposition... it would be wonderful to have a child who was like me, smiles from ear to ear and loving of everyone within sight. Little did I know... Jacson was on his way to bring the family dynamic full circle. He looks like me mostly, acts like me mostly... but he's built strong like his daddy. Levi is much more 'picky' about those he loves.... like his father. He has tan skin and big inviting eyes like his dad.... and tends to be a little more on the stubborn side.

I am glad that Jacson came when he did. Levi now has a best friend for life and Jacson fits in like a perfect puzzle piece.

My mind is finally clear of the PPD and I'm enjoying every busy second of mother hood. The sleepless nights followed by tired days and lots of snuggling. Who would have thought - 2 brothers - exactly one year apart to the day - almost exact opposite in looks and personality... both Smiths and destine for greatness. =]

Thank you God Almighty for entrusting to me the task of raising two precious boys so close in age. Thank you for getting me through the tough seasons and bringing me into the joy of motherhood!

And to my Promised son Levi, you we waited for, awed over, danced about... and prayed for earnestly.
And to Jacson, the one that came as the most precious surprise I never knew I needed, you were dreamt about, born with joy and lit up my life with your smile.

Relationships with your children may be built on different things, but each is needed and special in thier own unique way. What I love about one does not make what I love about another insignificant, it makes it genuine and beautiful in its own right... unique to the bond and relationship between parent and child. I have joys in the fullness of each child and I'm greatful that with each one comes something different and precious to embrace - all in LOVE and commitment to helping them become the best children of God they can be! This reminds me of my heavenly Father's love - all for my good!!!

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broken family

>> Friday, June 24, 2011

You took the one thing God gave you

You took it and trashed it

You didn’t nurture it or care

You wasted all the beauty that was there

Time is gone

And so are we

The family you said you love

But failed to show

The people you left by the wayside

With no place to go

Now we are left fighting our emotions

Testing strong words that play in our minds

And doing all we can not to let bitterness consume us

If only you would choose to see

But its easier for you to just leave

I wish we had an easy option here

But instead we have to accept you the way you are

We try to do it out of love

But the word obligation seems to be winning

Because a man shouldn’t ever

Choose anything over the lives he created

But where do I get any right

I’m just the daughter-in-law

I only care for your son day and night

I see the pain in his eyes

As he tries to choose not to cry

I feel the brokenness in his embrace

The determination in his face

While he tries to carry on your name

Without becoming you

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pretender

>> Monday, June 20, 2011


Its therapeutic
Letting all the poison out
It clears my mind
Even though I’m saying things
I would never speak out loud
I spit it
I forget it
Makes things more tolerable
But sometimes,
I wish I had the audacity to say it for real
Instead of hiding behind a pen name
I’m a pretender from time to time
But everyone has to be
We can’t just say what we really think
Can we?
I can’t call you an idiot
Though you are
I surely can’t flip off a stranger
Though I’d like to
I have to control my frustrations
But if I were allowed
I’d just slap the crap out of you

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hold onto the memory

>> Friday, June 17, 2011

My perception entraps me,

Causes my emotions to engulf me

I know the truth

But cannot perceive hope

Lost in a maze of cloudiness haze

How will I ever find me

The real me

The summer who’s passion defined her

Who’s dreams were larger than life

Even the memories of that time

Cause a deep depression to set in

Bringing me to here again

Hopeless ramblings of an imperfect girl

Searching for meaning in all the brokenness

Striving for naught

As those things that once were vanished

Into thin air

Even though I’ll always blame a thief

Why couldn’t it be me

Why couldn’t I change the world

One person at a time

Only now, I’m struggling just to save myself

From this nothing trying to hold me

To keep me from my destiny

Please don’t let me die here

Like this

With no future, no recovery ending in bliss

Don’t let me lose me forever

If only this were just a test

A meaningful lesson

That will lead to a stronger, more capable success

Could I be?

I can only hold onto the memory

In hopes the visions I once saw

Would become a reality

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Its getting closer

>> Monday, January 11, 2010

I'm so excited. On Sunday I hit 37 weeks, which is term. So now my little Levi can come anytime in the next 4 weeks or so. I'm secretly hoping for the 21st for some reason. I want him to be good an ready though, so if he takes longer, its ok with me!

I'm just so anxious to meet you Levi, face to face. To finally hold the little hands that jab my bladder and pat the buttom that bulges on the left side of my tummy. *sigh* what an amazing thing God has done to give us the ability to bring life into the world. I'm in awe of the way it all comes together.

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HomeGoods StyleScope - I'm an Earthy Casual

>> Wednesday, November 25, 2009

HomeGoods StyleScope - I'm an Earthy Casual

Posted using ShareThis

You're interested in creating a welcoming home where people feel comfortable and happiness flourishes. You appreciate the warmth and individuality of natural materials and handcrafted things and are inspired by colors and forms from nature. You love mixing up different textures and are sensitive to the tactile qualities of objects. Your style is grounded and solid, not flighty or frilly. And you are never taken in by the trend of the moment.

You value comfort. Your home is a warm and open friendly place, and you feel happiest when everyone is cared for and relaxed in your space. Elements like pillows, throws, overstuffed furniture, and good lighting set the mood. You may also enjoy layering different fabrics or mixing patterns to create a cozy effect.

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reflecting

>> Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I am completely overcome by emotions as I stare at my husband from across the room and feel the small nudges of our son inside my expanding belly. I'm overjoyed and eager to meet this incredible blessing from God Himself. I can't wait to see my husband become a father and our relationship take on new meaning as we adventure into parenthood together. I have never loved him more than I do today, and tomorrow I'm sure I'll say the same. I'm simply grateful for my life and this new place I'm in with these new roles and crazy feelings of admiration, determination, excitement, anxiety, and love. What a dream I'm living and what a precious time in our lives. I was chosen to be mommy! Wow.

I love you Levi though I have yet to see your face and I love you Johnny because there is no one I'd rather know.

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Update and Random Thoughts

>> Tuesday, November 10, 2009

So I passed the 3 hour Glucose test! *pheeeew*, that was a relief!

I've noticed that I am particularly preoccupied by my baby belly. I waited so long for it to finally show, and now I can't do anything without paying some type of physical attention to it. I'm always rubbing it or patting in even. Not to mention I'm obsessed with trying to figure out which parts of the baby are sticking out where. I feel like I'm annoying people at this point as I waddle through public places completely oblivious as I'm buffing my tummy. Oh well, they'll get over it!

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Could I end up with it too?

>> Thursday, November 5, 2009

I failed my one hour glucose test, and I'm still waiting for the results on the 3 hour test. I'm very nervous. My father has had type 2 Diabetes since he was 28 years old and he just recently was told he is legally blind and he's only 44. I can't stand to see him go through all this physically as he deprives himself of food he enjoys and I watch him continue to deal with all these issues. I am doing everything I can to eat right and make sure I don't raise my chances for Diabetes in the future, but over half of my Dad's side of the family has it. I'm slightly overweight for the height, but I carry it well and didn't think it was a problem. I was reading these is a 40% chance that women who are diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes will have type 2 Diabetes within 5 years. I'd be 29 in 5 years, close to my father's age when he was diagnosed.

I know I'm just working myself up over nothing here, well not nothing, but not something I can actually change or control right now, but my nerves are getting the best of me.

I also had an 2 uncles and an Aunt who were Blind from Diabetes and my Grandmother had another condition that caused her to go blind in her late 30's called retinitis pigmitosis (sp?). Blindness is a constant fear in my family.

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poverty, a curse or a blessing?

>> Thursday, October 29, 2009

A friend commented that I might have to eat Mac-N-Cheese for a while on my blog about our financial situation. It made me giggle because I was raised on government help; Ramon Noodles, mac-n-cheese, oatmeal and anything we could literally buy for cents was usually all we had to eat unless, of course, a friend or family member treated us to dinner at their house or Sunday afternoon dinner out!!! All my clothes may have been hand-me-downs and I might not have had all the best things growing up, but I do have some amazing family bonding memories and lessons in the real world that will last a lifetime!

I'm grateful I went through that as a child: a) because I appreciate going out for dinner or the smaller things in life outside of money and fancy things b) because I learned from my parents to live by faith no matter what was not in the cupboards and I never starved to death c) No matter what crisis I face financially, it will pass or I'll learn to adjust c) the most important - as long as you have family, you are rich indeed!

As a child, there were very few times I felt sorry for myself because I had less than others, and though I didn't want to ever tell my children, "I'm sorry honey but mommy can't afford the good meat, you'll have to eat a grilled cheese tonight." I understand that those very circumstances built my faith and character. I was spoiled in love and not money, and oh what a blessing it was!

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here's my son =D

>> Tuesday, October 27, 2009

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what a year ...

Its interesting to me how God works and His timing. My husband and I are in the middle of a financial crisis. I actually came home for lunch yesterday (to eat my Ramon noodles) to find that our electricity had been cut off. At first I was angry, then I was depressed and now I'm just ready for something to change. After making a spreadsheet of all our bills and our income, I quickly realized why things are so bad - we are -$316 at the end of each month. This does not include emergency money or anything extra - movies, dinner out, dessert. Its simply our bills plus 100 dollars a month for gas and 150 a month for groceries (which is nearly impossible to feed us for breakfast lunch and dinner which we eat all 3 at home).

Basically, I'm praying for a miracle. Levi is on his way and I can't afford my health insurance anymore. We are behind months on our credit cards and obviously our electric bill - which we still do have the means to have turned back on yet. My husband, bless his heart, is so embarrassed he has begged me not to tell anyone. But being a woman, I have a deep need to 'talk' about my life experiences and difficulties. Thank goodness for blogging.

I'm POSITIVE I will have a testimony soon of what God did in our finances. He chose this time to fulfill the promise to give us a son, and I know He will provide.

FYI, we did not get here due to frivolous living, my husband was laid-off for 6 months and then brought back part-time with a 4 dollar and hour pay cut. Our credit cards only lasted so long to put food on the table, and now our debt is unbearable... but its not due to lack of responsibility or wasteful living - we haven't' been out on a date in over 6 months. It is simply due to the economy and I know we aren't the only ones.

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A friends writings... I love when they make me tear up

>> Saturday, October 24, 2009

Tutu's Bliss - check out her last entry - it is so beautiful mommies!

I was so blown away by the way she captured the essence of what being mommy is to her.

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