poverty, a curse or a blessing?

A friend commented that I might have to eat Mac-N-Cheese for a while on my blog about our financial situation. It made me giggle because I was raised on government help; Ramon Noodles, mac-n-cheese, oatmeal and anything we could literally buy for cents was usually all we had to eat unless, of course, a friend or family member treated us to dinner at their house or Sunday afternoon dinner out!!! All my clothes may have been hand-me-downs and I might not have had all the best things growing up, but I do have some amazing family bonding memories and lessons in the real world that will last a lifetime!

I'm grateful I went through that as a child: a) because I appreciate going out for dinner or the smaller things in life outside of money and fancy things b) because I learned from my parents to live by faith no matter what was not in the cupboards and I never starved to death c) No matter what crisis I face financially, it will pass or I'll learn to adjust c) the most important - as long as you have family, you are rich indeed!

As a child, there were very few times I felt sorry for myself because I had less than others, and though I didn't want to ever tell my children, "I'm sorry honey but mommy can't afford the good meat, you'll have to eat a grilled cheese tonight." I understand that those very circumstances built my faith and character. I was spoiled in love and not money, and oh what a blessing it was!

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here's my son =D

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what a year ...

Its interesting to me how God works and His timing. My husband and I are in the middle of a financial crisis. I actually came home for lunch yesterday (to eat my Ramon noodles) to find that our electricity had been cut off. At first I was angry, then I was depressed and now I'm just ready for something to change. After making a spreadsheet of all our bills and our income, I quickly realized why things are so bad - we are -$316 at the end of each month. This does not include emergency money or anything extra - movies, dinner out, dessert. Its simply our bills plus 100 dollars a month for gas and 150 a month for groceries (which is nearly impossible to feed us for breakfast lunch and dinner which we eat all 3 at home).

Basically, I'm praying for a miracle. Levi is on his way and I can't afford my health insurance anymore. We are behind months on our credit cards and obviously our electric bill - which we still do have the means to have turned back on yet. My husband, bless his heart, is so embarrassed he has begged me not to tell anyone. But being a woman, I have a deep need to 'talk' about my life experiences and difficulties. Thank goodness for blogging.

I'm POSITIVE I will have a testimony soon of what God did in our finances. He chose this time to fulfill the promise to give us a son, and I know He will provide.

FYI, we did not get here due to frivolous living, my husband was laid-off for 6 months and then brought back part-time with a 4 dollar and hour pay cut. Our credit cards only lasted so long to put food on the table, and now our debt is unbearable... but its not due to lack of responsibility or wasteful living - we haven't' been out on a date in over 6 months. It is simply due to the economy and I know we aren't the only ones.

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A friends writings... I love when they make me tear up

Tutu's Bliss - check out her last entry - it is so beautiful mommies!

I was so blown away by the way she captured the essence of what being mommy is to her.

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Poem for Levi

What can I give you:

What can I give you,
But the precious gift of knowing God?
What can I show you,
But the wonderful life of salvation?
Is there anything I can do,
But teach you His ways of love?
How else can I raise you,
But to know your Lord?
What else can satisfy your soul,
But to walk in relationship with Jehovah?

Oh that you will know Him better than me!

Is there any thing you will need more,
More than the knowledge of your savior?
Is there any thing to profit more,
More than a life of true relationship?
Oh, but you, you will know this
You, you will live this
The glory of the Lord will be seen in your eyes
The presence of the Lord will be with you always
And the truth of God will continually be on your lips

So, what more can I give you?
What else is there to know?
He will be your keeper
The very lover of your soul
You’ll know Him deeper than most
And commune with Him daily
There is nothing more important to teach you
Than the promises of God

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ah, to write again

I was thinking yesterday, "man I wish I had some place to write." LOL, silly me. How could I forget about this blog! I guess I can blame that on the busyness of my life lately.

I'm now 25.5 weeks. My little little is moving around a lot and growing at a great pace. I'm so excited to see his little face and share the stories of my little worshiper through blogging. I missed my time here so much as I look back and try to figure out when something happened and why in the world I didn't journal about it!!!

It's getting close to lunch time and I'm at work right now (shhh), but I will continue my writings in the evenings, especially with all the exiting stuff that has been happening with our little Levi's development inside mommy's tummy!

*sigh* back to the wonderful writing days where its nice to have a reader, but just as good to be able to get it all out!

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Son of Promise!!!

I wanted to testify. God is Faithful, Amen?

Three and a half years ago my husband and I were given the promise of a son. It was reiterated through vision, a word from another and countless encounters with women who would touch my stomach and say I would conceive soon. I never gave up on believing this promise. In fact, I just kept asking God for more. I started praying for a daughter as well!!! He is able, why not?

As 4 years of our marriage went by without contraception and no conception, I started to get angry with my body. I understood that the promise had to wait until it was time, but I was irregular and often ‘felt pregnant. This was terribly emotional. I went to the Dr. last year and eventually she put me on Chlomid. It is a fertility drug that causes your body to ovulate as it is supposed to. I knew this would give me peace of mind as I would start regularly and not have to face the depression of thinking I was pregnant just to find that I had just skipped 3 periods. Chlomid did just that. I had 3 regular periods, but had to have shoulder surgery so I couldn’t take it again. I didn’t have a period for 3 months and started getting angry with my body for not working right and figured there was no chance for conception so long as I was having periods.

On April 9th I took a pregnancy test just to be sure since I was weeks late. Negative. So I just waiting for my body to go back to normal. You see I could not take Chlomid until I was on the 3rd day of my period. No period, no Chlomid. I did not want the Chlomid to ‘get me pregnant’ I just wanted the same chance of ovulation and fertility every other woman bad and I wanted to start my period so I would KNOW that I was not pregnant each month.

In May I started noticing my pants were getting too tight. So I though, maybe I am bloated and going to start my period finally. But just to be sure, I decided to take another pregnancy test. It was May 27th and for the first time I got a Positive!!!

I am now 7 weeks pregnant with the son God promised me. (I don’t think this is a daughter because I feel in my spirit that this is the time for the promise!)

Isn’t it neat how God made sure Chlomid didn’t get the glory???

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I'm 6 weeks Pregnant!

I am pregnant. *sigh* I can't believe it, 4 long years and I'm finally pregnant.

I can't write much today becuase I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open at work right now.

I hope to keep posting about my pregnacy experience... lets just see if I can make it through today awake!!! lol

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Today is a rough day...

I am having a terrible day. Not being a mother on mother's day makes it a very difficult day. I keep getting angry over the smallest things and my husband is having absolutely no compassion for my fragile state of mind. eh! I just don't know how I'm going through at this point. Somethings gotta give!

-Summer Smith

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Constipated ! ! !

No They didn't give me a pain pump. They gave me a nerve block. That was scary. it felt like my arm wasn't even there at all. It finally started coming back to life again on Saturday. So i have a new problem now. I am constipated. Haven't had a bowel movement since before my surgery early Thursday morning. Woooooooo Hoooooooo. I threw up yesterday and this medicine makes me feel weird all day long. I just want to wake up and take a normal shower and go to work and have a normal day. I'M BORED!

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Sugery

I'm home now. I had my shoulder surgery and everything went well. Can't really type yet =(

I may not really post much, but I'll try to read and comment every so often.

Thanks for all the support!

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Girls Night............. in!

Tonight is GIRLS NIGHT IN! No cuteness allowed. Must wear Pj's or sweats. Must eat junk. Must watch at least 2 chic-flicks. Must have FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to hear about the craziest things you and your girlfriends do? This may inspire a blog or two about me and my friends and our ridiculously outrageous and totally immature girl's nights. I'll try to keep it G rated! (I mean we are all Christians...) We are always looking for new and exciting stuff to do to celebrate our girlhood, wifeiness and mom lives. Ideas, ideas, ideas.... we need some original ideas to really make our get-togethers memorable!

I need to hear some inspirational stories.... please!?

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Funny Story

Ok today’s dare was kind of hard, especially after the breakfast bust yesterday.

Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

These were the 3 things he said: “I get irritated when u ___________”

1. lose things
2. are louder than necessary
3. don’t take care of things that need to be taken care of asap.

I am so tempted right now to justify myself… but I’m not going to. I’m simply going to admit that I do all these things. I is who I am, but I am going to do my best to overcome these bad little habbits when it is concerning my husband.

I am a VERY loud person, its just natural: Funny story…. Are you ready???
Ok here it goes:

Today while I was out to lunch with 2 of my very good friends… the sex conversation came up in the middle of a crowded Culver’s Restaurant. So here we are eating our burgers and

Bebe says:
“So, Becca when are you and Eddy going to start ‘trying’ for the babies?”
Becca admitted she’s ready, but Eddy wants to wait until July when Becca turns 26. So nosey Bebe says:
“Well what are you doing to stop it, are you on the pill?”
Becca:
“No I have been off of it for a year.”
Bebe:
“Condoms suck.”
Becca:
“I don’t think so, no mess!”
(Conversation continues about ways to clean up the mess and weirder things!)
Me:
“We haven’t been using anything for 3 years; it could take a while to get pregnant.” My voice raising as I’m laughing thinking of my next sentence…. “I mean I have tried everything! Not standing up at all and going right to sleep making sure I’m on my back, (progressively getting louder) Holding my butt up in the air….” (I was going to keep going, but…
Bebe:
“Wow Summer, shhhhh… everyone can hear you in the restaurant.”
*all of us are assessing the damage as we look around the restaurant*
Me:
“Crap, I meant to say with my legs straight in the air.”

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Breakfast BUST

Ok – I would not advise a breakfast-in-bed on a very big day. My poor hubby was so nervous this morning every time he tried to take a bite he thought he was going to throw up! At least he tried for me… I was really disappointed and hurt at first because initially he said….

“You eat it honey I’m not hungry yet.”
“But I made it for you…”
“I wish you would have told me first.”

I was immediately overcome by tears. (Lucky he could not see them.) I left his breakfast on the table and carried on with my morning routine. I was going through the scenario in my head and thinking of all the times something I did for johnny just wasn’t good enough. The phrase that haunts me as a wife, “I wish you would…” I remembered how I used to clean the house EVERY day, until Johnny started complaining that I should only set aside one day and that should be Saturdays. (This is the way his mother scheduled cleaning.)

You see, I was the house keeper in my parent’s home. My mother was deeply depressed and slept all day. As you can tell, I did not have a very good example of what a wife was supposed to do… but I knew it was my job to care for Johnny. So I tried my best to adjust, but it just seemed like nothing I ever did was good enough. I let the dishes soak too long in the sink while the I waited for the scolding water to cool. I didn’t wash big enough loads of laundry and wasted time and energy. (Although, I must inform you that Johnny broke our washer twice from over filling it!) And I definitely didn’t do any of it fast enough.

I think it was hard for Johnny to adjust to another person… as is anyone. He is a perfectionist and I am a spontaneous mess (smile). The problem is that I gave up after that first year trying to please my husband. He quickly started cleaning and washing. He said he didn’t mind, but I knew he did it so that I wouldn’t do it the ‘wrong’ way. As the last few years went by he seems to resent me for letting him to do the house work. We both work full-time and I always take care of dinner and the bathroom. So I didn’t see a problem with this and let him entertain is own perfectionist issues by doing it himself.

Johnny has been laid-off for 2 months now. I remember when he would come home from work and get all irritated and in a bad mood when the bed was not made. The funny thing is that he is still in bed when I leave in the morning… so I cannot make it. When I come home I do not get mad at him because the bed is not made or the dishes are still dirty in the sink. The first few weeks of being laid-off, he did it all. The house was clean everyday and the bed was made. I guess he got burned out!

Does anyone ever have that ‘I’m never going to be good enough’ feeling in their marriage? How did you overcome it? It hurts too much for me still. I am a people-pleaser by nature and I hate that I can’t make him happy.

I am trying to show Johnny I love him through actions… his love language is ‘acts of service’. And everything I am doing is just because I love him. This morning I had to put my hurt aside and remember I did not do it for myself or my own ‘feel good’ for being a good little wife. I did it to remind him that I loved him enough to give up some of my precious sleep and take away from my make-up and hair time for his care. And even if he wasn’t hungry, I accomplished what I set out to do. Sometimes people aren’t going to understand you or receive your acts of service like you want them to… but that doesn’t mean you give up!

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Love Dare: Day 3

This is so much fun! I love surprising my husband with all these sweet little things. It is true, the saying… "It’s the little things that count”. Today my hubby emailed me and said “thank you for the note on the bathroom mirror, it was sweet.” All I did was write a list of the the things I love about him...

Tomorrow… I am going to give him Breakfast in bed… it may be a little overkill on the love dare, but He’s going to put in a very important application and I think it would give him the confidence he needs. =)

Last night after I took him out with the money I won from a game at work to see 'Taken', we went home and watched our favorite shows and I picked up the Monday special pizza we get every week. All night I was taking the dog out (he has s small bladder and we live in a condo so I can’t just let him out to run). Johnny looked a little puzzled as he asked... "What do you want?” I laughed because I was just doing it to be kind… to think of him first and not be such a baby about doing the little things. He definitely noticed already and it's only day 3. The sad thing is that I took advantage of all the little things he does and didn’t do the same for him. It kind of broke my heart that he was so shocked that I offered to do something so small. I guess I’m not as selfless as I had thought!

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