broken family

You took the one thing God gave you

You took it and trashed it

You didn’t nurture it or care

You wasted all the beauty that was there

Time is gone

And so are we

The family you said you love

But failed to show

The people you left by the wayside

With no place to go

Now we are left fighting our emotions

Testing strong words that play in our minds

And doing all we can not to let bitterness consume us

If only you would choose to see

But its easier for you to just leave

I wish we had an easy option here

But instead we have to accept you the way you are

We try to do it out of love

But the word obligation seems to be winning

Because a man shouldn’t ever

Choose anything over the lives he created

But where do I get any right

I’m just the daughter-in-law

I only care for your son day and night

I see the pain in his eyes

As he tries to choose not to cry

I feel the brokenness in his embrace

The determination in his face

While he tries to carry on your name

Without becoming you

Read more...

pretender

Its therapeutic

Letting all the poison out

It clears my mind

Even though I’m saying things

I would never speak out loud

I spit it

I forget it

Makes things more tolerable

But sometimes,

I wish I had the audacity to say it for real

Instead of hiding behind a pen name

I’m a pretender from time to time

But everyone has to be

We can’t just say what we really think

Can we?

I can’t call you an idiot

Though you are

I surely can’t flip off a stranger

Though I’d like to

I have to control my frustrations

But if I were allowed

I’d just slap the crap out of you

Read more...

hold onto the memory

My perception entraps me,

Causes my emotions to engulf me

I know the truth

But cannot perceive hope

Lost in a maze of cloudiness haze

How will I ever find me

The real me

The summer who’s passion defined her

Who’s dreams were larger than life

Even the memories of that time

Cause a deep depression to set in

Bringing me to here again

Hopeless ramblings of an imperfect girl

Searching for meaning in all the brokenness

Striving for naught

As those things that once were vanished

Into thin air

Even though I’ll always blame a thief

Why couldn’t it be me

Why couldn’t I change the world

One person at a time

Only now, I’m struggling just to save myself

From this nothing trying to hold me

To keep me from my destiny

Please don’t let me die here

Like this

With no future, no recovery ending in bliss

Don’t let me lose me forever

If only this were just a test

A meaningful lesson

That will lead to a stronger, more capable success

Could I be?

I can only hold onto the memory

In hopes the visions I once saw

Would become a reality

Read more...

Its getting closer

I'm so excited. On Sunday I hit 37 weeks, which is term. So now my little Levi can come anytime in the next 4 weeks or so. I'm secretly hoping for the 21st for some reason. I want him to be good an ready though, so if he takes longer, its ok with me!

I'm just so anxious to meet you Levi, face to face. To finally hold the little hands that jab my bladder and pat the buttom that bulges on the left side of my tummy. *sigh* what an amazing thing God has done to give us the ability to bring life into the world. I'm in awe of the way it all comes together.

Read more...

HomeGoods StyleScope - I'm an Earthy Casual

HomeGoods StyleScope - I'm an Earthy Casual

Posted using ShareThis

You're interested in creating a welcoming home where people feel comfortable and happiness flourishes. You appreciate the warmth and individuality of natural materials and handcrafted things and are inspired by colors and forms from nature. You love mixing up different textures and are sensitive to the tactile qualities of objects. Your style is grounded and solid, not flighty or frilly. And you are never taken in by the trend of the moment.

You value comfort. Your home is a warm and open friendly place, and you feel happiest when everyone is cared for and relaxed in your space. Elements like pillows, throws, overstuffed furniture, and good lighting set the mood. You may also enjoy layering different fabrics or mixing patterns to create a cozy effect.

Read more...

reflecting

I am completely overcome by emotions as I stare at my husband from across the room and feel the small nudges of our son inside my expanding belly. I'm overjoyed and eager to meet this incredible blessing from God Himself. I can't wait to see my husband become a father and our relationship take on new meaning as we adventure into parenthood together. I have never loved him more than I do today, and tomorrow I'm sure I'll say the same. I'm simply grateful for my life and this new place I'm in with these new roles and crazy feelings of admiration, determination, excitement, anxiety, and love. What a dream I'm living and what a precious time in our lives. I was chosen to be mommy! Wow.

I love you Levi though I have yet to see your face and I love you Johnny because there is no one I'd rather know.

Read more...

Update and Random Thoughts

So I passed the 3 hour Glucose test! *pheeeew*, that was a relief!

I've noticed that I am particularly preoccupied by my baby belly. I waited so long for it to finally show, and now I can't do anything without paying some type of physical attention to it. I'm always rubbing it or patting in even. Not to mention I'm obsessed with trying to figure out which parts of the baby are sticking out where. I feel like I'm annoying people at this point as I waddle through public places completely oblivious as I'm buffing my tummy. Oh well, they'll get over it!

Read more...

Could I end up with it too?

I failed my one hour glucose test, and I'm still waiting for the results on the 3 hour test. I'm very nervous. My father has had type 2 Diabetes since he was 28 years old and he just recently was told he is legally blind and he's only 44. I can't stand to see him go through all this physically as he deprives himself of food he enjoys and I watch him continue to deal with all these issues. I am doing everything I can to eat right and make sure I don't raise my chances for Diabetes in the future, but over half of my Dad's side of the family has it. I'm slightly overweight for the height, but I carry it well and didn't think it was a problem. I was reading these is a 40% chance that women who are diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes will have type 2 Diabetes within 5 years. I'd be 29 in 5 years, close to my father's age when he was diagnosed.

I know I'm just working myself up over nothing here, well not nothing, but not something I can actually change or control right now, but my nerves are getting the best of me.

I also had an 2 uncles and an Aunt who were Blind from Diabetes and my Grandmother had another condition that caused her to go blind in her late 30's called retinitis pigmitosis (sp?). Blindness is a constant fear in my family.

Read more...

poverty, a curse or a blessing?

A friend commented that I might have to eat Mac-N-Cheese for a while on my blog about our financial situation. It made me giggle because I was raised on government help; Ramon Noodles, mac-n-cheese, oatmeal and anything we could literally buy for cents was usually all we had to eat unless, of course, a friend or family member treated us to dinner at their house or Sunday afternoon dinner out!!! All my clothes may have been hand-me-downs and I might not have had all the best things growing up, but I do have some amazing family bonding memories and lessons in the real world that will last a lifetime!

I'm grateful I went through that as a child: a) because I appreciate going out for dinner or the smaller things in life outside of money and fancy things b) because I learned from my parents to live by faith no matter what was not in the cupboards and I never starved to death c) No matter what crisis I face financially, it will pass or I'll learn to adjust c) the most important - as long as you have family, you are rich indeed!

As a child, there were very few times I felt sorry for myself because I had less than others, and though I didn't want to ever tell my children, "I'm sorry honey but mommy can't afford the good meat, you'll have to eat a grilled cheese tonight." I understand that those very circumstances built my faith and character. I was spoiled in love and not money, and oh what a blessing it was!

Read more...

here's my son =D

Read more...

what a year ...

Its interesting to me how God works and His timing. My husband and I are in the middle of a financial crisis. I actually came home for lunch yesterday (to eat my Ramon noodles) to find that our electricity had been cut off. At first I was angry, then I was depressed and now I'm just ready for something to change. After making a spreadsheet of all our bills and our income, I quickly realized why things are so bad - we are -$316 at the end of each month. This does not include emergency money or anything extra - movies, dinner out, dessert. Its simply our bills plus 100 dollars a month for gas and 150 a month for groceries (which is nearly impossible to feed us for breakfast lunch and dinner which we eat all 3 at home).

Basically, I'm praying for a miracle. Levi is on his way and I can't afford my health insurance anymore. We are behind months on our credit cards and obviously our electric bill - which we still do have the means to have turned back on yet. My husband, bless his heart, is so embarrassed he has begged me not to tell anyone. But being a woman, I have a deep need to 'talk' about my life experiences and difficulties. Thank goodness for blogging.

I'm POSITIVE I will have a testimony soon of what God did in our finances. He chose this time to fulfill the promise to give us a son, and I know He will provide.

FYI, we did not get here due to frivolous living, my husband was laid-off for 6 months and then brought back part-time with a 4 dollar and hour pay cut. Our credit cards only lasted so long to put food on the table, and now our debt is unbearable... but its not due to lack of responsibility or wasteful living - we haven't' been out on a date in over 6 months. It is simply due to the economy and I know we aren't the only ones.

Read more...

A friends writings... I love when they make me tear up

Tutu's Bliss - check out her last entry - it is so beautiful mommies!

I was so blown away by the way she captured the essence of what being mommy is to her.

Read more...

Poem for Levi

What can I give you:

What can I give you,
But the precious gift of knowing God?
What can I show you,
But the wonderful life of salvation?
Is there anything I can do,
But teach you His ways of love?
How else can I raise you,
But to know your Lord?
What else can satisfy your soul,
But to walk in relationship with Jehovah?

Oh that you will know Him better than me!

Is there any thing you will need more,
More than the knowledge of your savior?
Is there any thing to profit more,
More than a life of true relationship?
Oh, but you, you will know this
You, you will live this
The glory of the Lord will be seen in your eyes
The presence of the Lord will be with you always
And the truth of God will continually be on your lips

So, what more can I give you?
What else is there to know?
He will be your keeper
The very lover of your soul
You’ll know Him deeper than most
And commune with Him daily
There is nothing more important to teach you
Than the promises of God

Read more...

ah, to write again

I was thinking yesterday, "man I wish I had some place to write." LOL, silly me. How could I forget about this blog! I guess I can blame that on the busyness of my life lately.

I'm now 25.5 weeks. My little little is moving around a lot and growing at a great pace. I'm so excited to see his little face and share the stories of my little worshiper through blogging. I missed my time here so much as I look back and try to figure out when something happened and why in the world I didn't journal about it!!!

It's getting close to lunch time and I'm at work right now (shhh), but I will continue my writings in the evenings, especially with all the exiting stuff that has been happening with our little Levi's development inside mommy's tummy!

*sigh* back to the wonderful writing days where its nice to have a reader, but just as good to be able to get it all out!

Read more...

Son of Promise!!!

I wanted to testify. God is Faithful, Amen?

Three and a half years ago my husband and I were given the promise of a son. It was reiterated through vision, a word from another and countless encounters with women who would touch my stomach and say I would conceive soon. I never gave up on believing this promise. In fact, I just kept asking God for more. I started praying for a daughter as well!!! He is able, why not?

As 4 years of our marriage went by without contraception and no conception, I started to get angry with my body. I understood that the promise had to wait until it was time, but I was irregular and often ‘felt pregnant. This was terribly emotional. I went to the Dr. last year and eventually she put me on Chlomid. It is a fertility drug that causes your body to ovulate as it is supposed to. I knew this would give me peace of mind as I would start regularly and not have to face the depression of thinking I was pregnant just to find that I had just skipped 3 periods. Chlomid did just that. I had 3 regular periods, but had to have shoulder surgery so I couldn’t take it again. I didn’t have a period for 3 months and started getting angry with my body for not working right and figured there was no chance for conception so long as I was having periods.

On April 9th I took a pregnancy test just to be sure since I was weeks late. Negative. So I just waiting for my body to go back to normal. You see I could not take Chlomid until I was on the 3rd day of my period. No period, no Chlomid. I did not want the Chlomid to ‘get me pregnant’ I just wanted the same chance of ovulation and fertility every other woman bad and I wanted to start my period so I would KNOW that I was not pregnant each month.

In May I started noticing my pants were getting too tight. So I though, maybe I am bloated and going to start my period finally. But just to be sure, I decided to take another pregnancy test. It was May 27th and for the first time I got a Positive!!!

I am now 7 weeks pregnant with the son God promised me. (I don’t think this is a daughter because I feel in my spirit that this is the time for the promise!)

Isn’t it neat how God made sure Chlomid didn’t get the glory???

Read more...